Coffin Baby
by FallenDownAHole
Summary: RaVe heres a funny 1 Angel14 n me thought of Ch1 - 5 posted now! sum spoilers frum "Curse of the Coffin" includes Wolfe bein preg-o!
1. Im Cursed

"What a day!" I groaned, as I walked into my house. And it had been a long day. First my arms go numb, then that piece of evidence goes missing, and it didn't help that Delko couldn't handle half the evidence. 'Ass!'

"Oh come on Ry! It wasn't the bad!"

"Your hands didn't go numb! Plus, I'm probably cursed!"

"You don't really believe in that stuff do you?"

"How can't I Max?"

"Come on! Well, I know how to make you feel better," she said grabbing my hands, raising her eyebrows, and backing into the bedroom.

"Max. What if something happens, because of the curse? Like you getting pregnant?"

"Ryan, do you want kids?"

"With you? Sure, as long as you don't constantly dye their hair."

"Well then if it happens, it happens. But I'm on the pill, so we should be fine."

"But the curse…" I protested.

"Ryan. Don't be such a baby. You've had a long day, come to bed, 'cause I know exactly how to get rid of the tension," she said backing into the bedroom, pulling me along.

_I know it's a little short but I promise it gets more interesting!!_


	2. PeeStick

2 months later.

One week after the curse incident, Maxine had gotten her period, so we knew she wasn't pregnant. But here; one month later, I was feeling sick.

So here I was, standing in the washroom stall, with a pregnancy test at hand.

Maxine had told me I had the symptoms of a pregnant woman (morning sickness, craving s of peanut butter and pickles and Oreos).

'Why am I peeing on a stick? I'm a guy. Stupid Max and her paranormal theories.'

3 minutes later…..

I held in a scream. "Max!" I hissed through the door.

"Ryan! Hurry up! I can't stand out here forever!"

"Max! Meet me in your lab, in… five minutes."

"Ry!"

"Max! Just Go!"

"Maxine? Why are you talking to the guy's washroom?" I heard Calleigh ask.

"Oh, um…I…"

I shoved the pregnancy test in my pocket and opened the door, "Hey Cal," I said.

"Hey Ryan."

"So you wanna show me that thing in the DNA lab, Valera?"

"Uh yeah," she said as she almost sprinted to the DNA lab.

"Well I'll see you later Cal."

"Bye, Ryan," she said as she walked to the Ballistics lab.

"Ryan! What the HELL! So? Was my theory right?"

"Well… I need to see a doctor."

"I'm coming! I'm gonna be a…Mother! Father. Parent?"

"Oh God!"

"How are you going to breast feed?"

RAVE RAVE RAVE

Eric had just finished his lunch, and went to the men's room to wash his hands. While he was rinsing his hands he noticed something in the trash bin. It was a box, a rectangular white and blue box. After drying his hands he reached down and pulled it out. He nearly dropped the box when he read "Clear blue pregnancy test". Eric dropped the box and ran out of the room, he checked the sign which said men on it. While Eric stood outside the restroom Sam the new AV tech walked by.

"Hey Eric," said Sam only to stop when he didn't reply. "Eric?" she said tapping him on the shoulder.

Eric snapped out of his thoughts when he felt something on his shoulder. Turning around he saw Sam, "Hey Sam, can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"This is the men's room right?"

"Yeah, why are you asking?"

"No reason, no reason at all. Bye Sam." Said Eric before turning around and entering the restroom again.

"And CSI's think the lab rats are strange," Sam said to herself.

The lab rats had heard of a lot of weird cases, like the college teacher who was murdered and tied up in a tree or the one where the witness said he was part werewolf. But by far the weirdest thing that was being said was that Eric Delko was walking around with the garbage from the men's room.

Eric had walked to ballistics hoping to find Calleigh, and from the sounds of it she was there. Eric slipped in closing the door behind him; he waited there while Calleigh fired off a few rounds. Calleigh had just finished testing out a gun when she heard Eric call her name.

"Eric," she said placing a hand on her chest, "you scared me."

"Sorry, I need to ask you something."

"If it's about your results it's going to have to wait I'm swamped today and -"

"It's about us," interrupted Eric.

"Oh," her voice filled with disappointment.

"No not us, us. It's about the other night us."

"So you're not breaking up with me?" asked a slightly confused Calleigh.

"God no, I love us dating. What I'm talking about has to do with the other night, after dinner."

"Oh, you weren't half bad by the way." said Calleigh with smile.

Eric turned five shades of red when she said that. "I need to know, are you…"

"Am I what?"

"Are you? You know…"

"Eric what are you talking about?"

"Are you… pregnant?"

When the words left his mouth Calleigh nearly fell over laughing. Eric looked down at the floor and waited for her to calm down. "So you're not?"

"No, Eric I am not pregnant."

"Thank god."

Calleigh immediately looked at Eric and said. "You don't want to have kids with me?"

Eric didn't know what to say, he just stood there. Calleigh tried to keep the look of sorrow on her face, but couldn't. Instead she smiled at the way Eric acted, he was looking at the floor trying while mumbling.

"Eric why would you think I'm pregnant?"

"Because I found this." Eric walked over to her and gave her the pregnancy test box. Calleigh pulled out a pair to rubber gloves and picked it up.

"Where did you find this?"

"The men's room."

Calleigh reached over and grabbed an evidence bag, in which she dropped the box in. Then she walked to the door and said. "Are you coming Eric?"

Together Eric and Calleigh left ballistics and headed to fingerprints. Dr. Granger's office

"Hey Maxine. So what are you and your friend here for?"

"Oh of course! Ryan, Dr. Lillian Granger; Lil, Ryan Wolfe he's my co-worker and boyfriend."

"I am?"

"No Wolfe. I just sleep with you for fun."

"Well we haven't actually talked about it …"

"Anyway; he's pregnant."

"Maxine, he's a guy."

"I know! We did have sex..."

"Max. Let me explain. 2 months ago I dealt with a case where I was 'cursed'. I went home and she reassured me I was fine and that if anything the night she wouldn't get pregnant."

"So, she's pregnant?"

"No, about a month later she got her period, aka not pregnant. But recently I started having symptoms of a pregnant woman. So Max suggested I take a pregnancy test and I did."

"You're a brave man."

"Thank you. Anyway… It… it came out positive. So what now?"

"Well Mr. Wolfe, Maxine; you're going to be parents-if you decide to keep the child, that is."

"Well um… are you sure? Like what if it was wrong?"

"Those things are normally right - right Lil?"

"Yeah. Well, why don't we do an ultrasound? Are you two okay with that?"

"Sure, as long as this gets sorted out."

"How will Ryan go through labour?"

"He won't, it'll have to be a sectarian."

"But-I'll have a scar," I said all-of-a-sudden not to happy.

"I'll give you an oil to make if fade, don't worry. Or you can get laser surgery…"

"I'll think about it."

"Anyway, her is the name of a clinic that'll take care of your…isu – cris - thing."

"Okay."


	3. I Can't See It

A few weeks later

"Hi, I'm Ryan Wolfe here to see Dr. Sanchez."

"Okay…she'll be right with you."

"Thanks," I said walking back to Maxine.

"So?"

"She'll be right with us."

A few minutes later a lady came out and said, "Mr.Wolfe."

"That'd be me," I said walking towards her.

"You'll have to put these on," she said handing me a gown and a pair of pants. "Does your friend want to come?"

"Yes please, Max you can come."

"Good, I wanna see our lil' squirt," she said putting her hand on my belly.

The nurse gave us a weird look.

Once I was changed and in the ultrasound room, on the bed, Dr. Sanchez walked in.

"Mr. Wolfe, Dr. Granger says you are… pregnant?"

"Yeah, do I have to tell the story?"

"No, um, Lillian told me the gist of the story already."

"'Kay, um Doc. To be honest, I'm kinda nervous."

"Mr. Wolfe, that's perfectly fine, most "father-to-bes" are. But this case is special. Now, let's check out your kid," she said applying a gel onto my abdomen. "Nice abs by the way; it's a shame, you'll end up being a big belly," she joked, Maxine laughed.

"Oh by the way, Dr. Sanchez, this is Maxine Valera; the…mother, I think."

"He means, that's my kid too, but it's not in me."

"I see. Ah! There's the little one. It seems to be healthy."

"Doctor, how is this possible? I don't have a uterus, or-"

"Mr. Wolfe, it appears as through you do. Alongside your male organs, liver, stomach, etc. You even have the umbilical cord, which is important. Also, a placenta. Mr. Wolfe, I have no clue on how this 

happened; but whatever you did, it worked. Now I'll leave you two alone with the kid, and I'll be back shortly," she said exiting the room.

"Max, I'm having a baby," I mumbled looking at the screen.

"We're having a baby Ry," she said holding my hand.

"It's so cut."

"Yeah… um Ry, I can't see it. Oh my God! I'm a horrible mom!"

"Max, relax it's right there. And no, you're not a horrible mom; you'll be a great mom."

"I dunno Ry."

"Trust me Max. Me and this baby, we love you a lot."

"Thanks."

_RAVE RAVE RAVE_

_More to come…_


	4. Theme Songs and LockerSex

3 months

The cravings had started, and I was going insane for a hot chocolate with marshmallows, an ice cream sundays with hot fudge and peanuts, and pickles. "MAX! I'm HUNGRY!"

"Ryan, it's two am!"

"So? I'd go out for you!"

"Keep telling' yourself that."

"Fine! I'm leaving", I said pulling up my pants, snatching my jacket, and my keys.

One hour later

I stumbled into the kitchen and made me a mug full of hot chocolate and marshmallows. Then opened up the bag which had the McDonald's Sunday, and the pickles 'Thank God for 24 hour 7 elevens'.

7 months

I was huge! No, I mean seriously HUGE!

Telling everyone had been really weird. But they were all pretty understanding - even Delko, but when he started laughing Calleigh hit him pretty hard. Horatio asked if we'd be taking maternity leaves; Max said yes after the "squirt" was born, I said yeah, but not 'till I went into labour even though no one really knew how that was gonna happen). Lillian said to come in on April 5th (that's when I was due), and they would check the little one out. Anyway Max and I had been having a lot more sex, Dr. Granger said that was expected. But even besides that our relationship had grown; I had met her parents who seemed to like me but were kinda freaked out about the whole "man-having-a-baby" thing. I even told her dad at dinner last night that I was going to propose, he – thankfully - approved. Dad and mom love Maxine and were happy for us-and the baby. We had bought a new place; baby room was set and all. And tonight I was gonna propose. DAMN! Time travels fast!

"Ryan!"

"Huh?"

"I was asking what we were doing for dinner. You're the one with the cravings."

"How 'bout…I make a fine dining dinner for you?"

"You're pregnant."

"So?"

"You'll eat all the food before I get home."

"No!"

"I'm just kidding babe," she said before giving me a quick kiss.

"Eww!!" squealed Eric jokingly.

"Shut - up man!"

"Yeah, you're just jealous."

"Jealous of what?" asked Calleigh coming in from the other entrance.

"That I get to kiss Ryan," said Maxine.

"That's sick," said Eric.

_Four months ago Maxine and I were heading home late and walked into the locker room to find Calleigh shoved up against the lockers with Eric's hands on her hips and sucking on her throat. Max was in shock; I started coughing. They were fairly embraced…_

"_Um…" _

"_Oh my God!" winced Calleigh._

_Eric looked like a five year older who just got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. "I…We just…thought…that…we were…um…the last two here."_

"_Since when?" I asked._

"_Five months."_

"_Eric!"_

"_What?!" he asked._

"_Oh my God!"_

"_Did you do this on all the lockers?"_

"_Just," started Calleigh turning around to see who's locker she was against. "Damn!" she swore._

_Eric started to laugh," Speed always said we should get together."_

"_He'd probably piss himself laughing so hard." said Maxine who had just recently found her voice._

"_You won't tell, will you?" asked Calleigh abruptly._

"_As long as my locker is clean." I said, "No."_

"_Nope," said Maxine._

"_Thank god," said Calleigh opening her locker. "Thanks."_

"_Yeah," said Eric._

"_No biggy."_

"Besides, I much rather be kissing-" he continued.

"Eric!" said Calleigh.

"Calleigh!" Eric said jokingly.

"Both of you please go fight like an old couple somewhere else!"

"Old couple?!" they both said simultaneously.

"What she means is: stop disturbing us."

"Ryan!"

"Ah-hem."

They all turned to see Horatio standing in the doorway. "As much as I like seeing the team bonding and joking around; we have a murder to solve. Ms Valera, the DNA results?"

"BEEP!" the computer went, signalling it had found a match.

'Damn! H's good.'

"Uh…Robert Heffernan; two priors: armed robbery, and assault."

"Thank you," he said before stepping out.

We all stood there in shock, until Maxine asked, "Why does he always do that?"

"I dunno," said Eric.

"Beats me," said Calleigh.

"I guess it's just his thing-like one-liners and sunglasses."

"What?!"

"We all have our things; Eric does the diving, Calleigh has the ballistics lab. I have my OCD, you don't like people hovering over you while you work, and H had his one liners and shades" I said very matter-of-factly.

"He should have a theme song," said Calleigh.

"Mission Impossible? Or maybe Bond…The names Caine, Horatio Caine," Eric said doing a cross voice between Horatio and James Bond.

We all laughed at this joke until Frank came in and said "I thought Bond was my thing…The names Tripp, Frank Tripp."


	5. You Said Tiffany

DINNER

Dinner was ready (I had ordered in from her favourite restaurant: Bachi's). Table was set (candle light and fine silverware). Hallway was covered in rose petals, lights almost off. Perfect!

I heard the door click open, "Ry? What's up with the-"

"Shh…" I whispered in her ear taking her coat. "I said I'd take care of dinner, right?"

"Oh My God…" she mumbled in shock.

I lead her to the dining table and pulled out her chair. "Isn't it supposed to be the other way around? After all you're the pregnant one!"

"Relax babe," I said taking my seat across from her.

Dinner ran smoothly compared to the usual, and now I was serving dessert. Normally by now one of us had pushed aside the food to get some…

Dessert was strawberry cheesecake (our favourite), topped with strawberries dipped in chocolate.

After that was done I tried to get down on one knee-which didn't really work due to the fact I was quiet round.

"Maxine Tiffany Valera; will you do me the honour of being my beautiful, lawfully wedded wife?" I asked opening the navy blue velvet box to ravel a gold band, with a diamond set in it.

At first she didn't do anything.

"Psst, Max, um, it's kinda hard to balance right now. No pressure! But, could you think a little faster?"

And then she mumbled, "You said Tiffany."

"Yeah, sorry I know you don't really like it but-"

"Yes!"

"What? Yeah I called you Tiffany, we established tha-"

"No you idiot! Yes!! I'll marry you!" she said giving me a passionate kiss, as I slipped on the ring.

_RAVE RAVE RAVE_

_Hey guys, were almost there… but we're still deciding the on the sex._


End file.
